Oh, my dear Jude.
I once dated someone who had the same struggle Jude had with self-harm. And I never really knew how to show up for them. I just hoped they saw themselves how I saw them, how their family and friends saw them. Jude had a great family, an amazing community of friends , money and none of them would fill that wound(s) he had.
The most painful thing reading the book was realising no amount of alcohol, jokes, trips out the city, parties could take away that loneliness one has with their own pain in their life. I hated that Jude was so immensely lonely and had to feel alone and punish himself for it. He punished himself for thing that were not even his own doing. Things that happened to him, things he never deserved.
There was always something and that was not fair! Blow after blow! Pain after pain. From such a young age. I think even during The Good Years, he was scared to completely let himself be in them. He felt stability was just a little suspicious, why him? Why all of sudden did he deserve this great thing?
Does it ever matter how much more your life means to someone else? No.
Because you have to live that same admired, treasured life people only experience from the outside.
Inside – dark, sad, troubled.
Is it fair to take it away cause you see fit?
*Sigh*